I Think, Therefore, I Am
by SilverMedals
Summary: Except she is not, because she is Xarina Snow, and she's not her grandfather's picture-perfect successor.


"My granddaddy once said that hope was the only thing stronger than fear," said Xarina. "And my granddaddy's president, so he's gotta be right." She sat at her desk with her little-girl smile and her bright green eyes, gazing at the teacher. The teacher gazed back at the queer little girl, all but admiring her sense of self-entitlement.

Miss Amory raised her eyebrows. "Your granddaddy is the president? Well, well, well, Xarina Snow, you might be very important to Panem someday!" she exclaimed.

"I'm already very important to Panem!" Xarina said, grinning.

All the other children around her laughed, and she got the feeling in her gut that they weren't laughing _with _her. When it subdued, a little girl from the back of the class piped up. "I think fear is stronger," she said quietly.

"And why is that, Felicity?" asked the teacher, bending down to Felicity's level.

"Because I'm afraid of-" Felicity paused, gulping back tears. "A lot of things, and. . .I only feel the fear."

The teacher nodded. "Okay, class, let's talk about _fear_, then. What are you afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of snakes!" crooned one child.

"I'm scared of spiders!" said another.

Miss Amory smiled. "Interesting. Gemina, what are you scared of?" she asked.

"The dark," Gemina said sheepishly. They all laughed.

Xarina drew back in her seat, sucking in her stomach.

"Okay, how about you, Xarina?"

"Um-" Her eyes shot open. _Failure_, her heart pounded. Her head seemed to agree. She gulped it down. She'd been laughed at once already today. She bit her lip. "Heights. I hate heights!" she said in a panic. No one suspected anything of her flustered face. A boy from the other side of the room joined in, saying it was his fear, too.

"So it looks like we all fear different things," said the teacher, straightening her hair. She pressed her lips firmly together. Xarina could see the lipstick on her teeth when she opened her mouth to speak again. "I'm going to hand out your drawing tablets, students, and I want you to draw your fear. Draw your bedroom in the dark. Draw a tall tree, or draw a spider. Whatever you're afraid of."

Xarina stared at her blank tablet. The teacher knelt in front of her desk. "I don't know what to draw," she admitted.

"Didn't you say you were afraid of heights?" Miss Amory offered. Xarina gritted her teeth. Idiot woman. She couldn't catch a lie if it stabbed her in the eyeball. "You could draw a mountain. Or the top of the tallest Capitol building."

"But-" She stopped protesting. "Okay," she said.

She started with the beard. It was like a lightbulb, and it was disgusting. Often enough, his stylists cleaned his breakfast out of it each morning. It was never trimmed properly. Then she drew circles for the eyes: bright blue and beady. She couldn't stand to look at him any longer than she did already.

When she finished, she held it up for the teacher to see.

"Xarina, is that- is that the _president?_" the teacher asked, horrified.

"Yes. It's my granddaddy. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of failure. And granddaddy always tells me I'm a failure."

She blinked away tears as the teacher smiled sympathetically at her. She sunk a little lower into her seat.

* * *

Six years later, he pounded on the table loudly. "Xarina!" he shouted, a deep growl in his voice.

"Granddaddy!" she returned, venom in her eyes. "You can't keep me here anymore! I'm thirteen!"

"I can keep you in this mansion for however long I damn well please!"

The avoxes stared at the two, silent for more than one reason. They shuffled awkwardly in their places, waiting for an order or another excuse to leave the room. A wave of awkward silence bled through the air.

She slammed the door shut behind her a moment later, her shoulders back and her head held high. She clenched her fists. Nothing was going to stop her. The faintest glimmer of a smile passed over her lips. She is not a failure. She is exactly what the tabloids say she is.

The large windows in the mansion cast sun onto the floor. The hallway was just as bright as it had always been. It felt different. Less eerie. Prettier. It was as if shadows had fallen away.

As she turned, she saw his chiseled face, his snake-like eyes, his white rose. She fought falling to the ground as she realized she was never as strong as she thought she was.


End file.
